January 11, 2012
What a day
I`m right in the middle of my exams at the moment and stressed just isnt strong enough a word!
I really messed up this semester, I’ve been struggling so much I can’t concentrate. I literally could stare at a page for 8 hours and not be able to tell you a thing about it.
Huge anatomy exam tomorrow and I know nothing, I still have the lymphatic system, neck, nervous system, cardiovascular system and respiratory system to learn and ohh nearly forgot all the bones in the skull :S!
I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, it went horribly wrong and I feel like such a bitch. He feels hurt, that I just lead him on for 6 months and didnt care. Thats not true, I did care and I still do but it just wasnt right. He said I didnt give a proper reason for breaking up but I thought I had.
For me I didnt feel a spark, I love spending time with him and doing stuff together and we get along great , that to me is all brilliant friendship things but when it came to moving to a relationship status I just didnt feel a spark there. Surely thats important? Surely I should feel like I could really see that relationship going places, that I desired that other person like no other? Apparently I just have my head stuck in the clouds and I expect too much from relationships which I disagree with. I am not an airy fairy person who has watched too many love movies but I just have that feeling that it wasnt totally right.
Its not right when you avoid your boyfriend lots and make up excuses why he cant stay over because you really dont want to be put in the position of sleeping with him. Surely in a relationship that desire should be there?
I feel terrible, he is devasted and I`m sure his family and friends all think I am a complete bitch now. I think it was for the best though, I just wish someone who wasnt biased could give me their opinion. I`m confused, whats it all supposed to feel like?
My grades slipped big time while in that relationship a well, I`m struggling so much with things, it takes me ages to do work and I just didnt get the time I needed.
Part of me was staying with him because we had slept together and I felt things had got so involved that I had a duty almost to stay with him. This might sound stupid but I deeply regret us going that far, I didnt realise that sex before marriage was breaking one of the ten commandments. I knew it was a no no but didnt realise that it was THAT big a no no. I`m doomed for hell now, the only was of semi fixing it would have been if we had ever married and that was partly why I kept things going.
So now after many sleepless nights, looking like shit, drowning endless cups of black coffee in attempt to stay alert… I am now slowly dying in a text book of lymphocytes, oh joy!
