January 3, 2012
Silence
Sometimes I just crave silence, to not actually think anything, to just have a little moment in peace. My head just seems to constantly spin, thoughts flowing in an out all the time and eventually its almost like I`m just having a conversation with myself.
Looking at it from a different view, silence can hurt…
‘You look well, you must be really happy,things must be going great for you now, are you over it then? are you better now then?’
If I hear phrases like that anymore times I will scream. Just because I have now put on weight does not mean that everything is ok and that life is just dandy. I`m suffering just as much now as I did when I was deathly thin. If anything I almost think this is worse than what I went through before, at least before I had some self respect.
No-one realises though, they all presume Im perfectly fine. What do they expect? Do they expect me to stick my fingers down my throat on front of them? Or even better show off my perfected talent of vomit on demand, hands free. Do they expect me to burst into tears constantly? To show off the artwork over my body?
I’ve learned over the years sometimes its easier to keep your mouth shut and say nothing. Sometimes though it all gets to much and I feel like I’m drowning but no-one sees me. I`m struggling, I`m finding it hard to study for my exams and my grades have slipped big time this year. I just cant focus, I cant learn anymore, I cant hold myself together anymore and pretend that I`m coping because I`m just not. I`m going to fail my exams but no-ones going to realise it wasnt because I didnt try, I just couldnt. I;ve sat for hours on end trying to learn and study and not one thing has gone into my head.
Such a waste of potential just like before, well not as bad as before, I will never get over that, ever.
I`m paying the price for what I’ve done now as well…. my teeth have caught up with me- constantly breaking and my gums have receded, my bones are breaking- my foot just randomly broke one day, my period has gone missing for 7 years now, my digestive system is fucked- im actually a bit concerned about it, i can move stuff in my abdomen that I dont think I should be able to! My skin is terrible and oh yeah that thing called sleep? what is that? I dont seem to need it anymore , just live in a constant state of insomnia, just me and my thoughts all day, all night. I just wish people heading down the path I did all those years ago would realise what they are letting themselves in for. I probably wouldn’t have listened back then, saying it will never happen to me, but it did.
