October 11, 2011
It’s been a while…
Wow it has really been a long time since I last wrote a post. So much has changed, I’m still struggling like mad but I’ve also made some huge improvements.
I still struggle with the binging, it is out of control and it does worry me but I`m hanging on in hope it will sort itself out eventually. Part of my problem is, the anorexia side is still lingering in the background, trying to pull me back at every chance. When I decide to try to eat normally and not binge, it creeps in and tries to get me to cut back to make up for things. So I do and then I get so hungry I spiral off into an out of control frenzy of binging.
Anyhow, since I last posted I now have a boyfriend. Thats something I never thought would happen and he is a lovely person. Its still very early days, who knows if it will work but it has helped me. He knows of my history but doesnt realise how much it still affects me every day. He asks me out for lunch and dinner or brings snacks round etc and this would have been a huge no no for the old me but I was determined not to let me ED get in the way of this relationship so I just ate them, I just went out for lunch to unknown places. I now cook dinner for us without weighing or measuring stuff. So I have made progress in that sense.
I`m starting to feel the effects of my past though and I hope this could be a warning to those still struggling. I always found the effects of my ED to be delayed, e.g. it took ages before my hair starting to thin and fall out. I always thought I was fortunate that I didnt seem to get the big problems lots of others did but I am now. My teeth are constantly breaking, my skin is the worst its ever been and now my bones are going too. I had a bone scan done when I was 20 and it showed osteopenia. I havent a clue what condition they are in but I`m guessing not great since I have managed to break my foot without actually injuring it. Just goes to show how silent a killer and ED can be, its doing its damage without you always seeing it.
Despite the fact I am still struggling, I am desperately holding on in the hope of a future without it. If I could just get past the binging I think I could kick my ED to the kerb. I’ve made it to my second year of my course now and theres the potential for a future ahead. I just keep imagining it and running to it.
