May 14, 2011
My drug
This is what I can almost relate the binging to… a drug. I almost feel like I need to have a fix of it, I get edgy if I dont, I dont feel right. The more I binge the more I need to do it and the more intense they get. Its just like a drug.
I can’t for the life of me work out the reason behind it all though. Maybe some part of me finds the binging comforting in a weird way, the purging I hate but unfortunately it must be done to try and lessen the consequences of the binge but also the purging in a strange way brings a sense of relief.
I just feel so trapped and powerless against it, I really really dont know how to get out of this. I know the answer is just dont do it but I cant seem to stop myself doing it.
Exams are on Monday, Ive binged all morning, I just cant focus, I cant concentrate. I have 206 bones to learn by Monday, every single name, lump and bump on them, crack, shape, every muscle and ligament possible attached to them and what causes what movements etc. My head is about to explode.
The sad thing is, when I had this all under more control I actually did reasonably well and now because of how things are I`ll be lucky if I scrape by.
I just have to get to next weekend, hang on but part of me is dreading next weekend. I`ll have no exams, no work to do, nothing but idle time, a recipe for disaster just before I`m due to go out on placement , as usual.
