May 11, 2011
Nothings going in
Im seriously stuck at the minute, I have my exams next week, starting on Monday. Not a single thing is going into my head.
I have been sitting staring at a page now for hours and I couldn’t tell you a thing about it. All I can think about is food, worrying about binging, worrying about what to eat and ending up binging anyway. Its awful, I cant revise at all.
Im absolutely drained as well, Im just so tired. I’ve come to the conclusion in terms of my binging/purging, I`ll have to wait until after my exams to start getting under proper control again because in all reality nows not the ideal time. However, the fact that I can’t seem to learn a single thing in the meantime is quite frightening.
I cant end up failing my exams next week and then saying oh well its because I have an eating disorder. No-one knows and to be honest they wouldn’t understand anyhow and also I don’t like to use it as an excuse or something to hide behind.
I wish I could just clear my head, get all the thoughts out and gone. I have so many bones and muscles to learn ontop of all the physics that I dont understand. Have you ever tried to properly learn the bones and anatomy? Seriously I’d love to get my hands on the person who thought up of all the names!
Anyhow back to it, lets hope something useful enters my head tonight!
~Jessica~ said,
May 13, 2011 at 8:56 am
I’ve been reading back over your posts (have been reading anyway, but didn’t know what to say because I am in the same situation and know that it’s impossible to fix things simply through a comment) and I wish so badly that I could take this pain away from you.
I too can’t fit in my old clothes any more and am stuck in a cycle of bingeing. I empathise so much with a particular comment you made about being tired and exhausted by it all: fighting with bingeing urges all the time is absolutely draining and the bingeing process itself must take even more out of you than it does me because I don’t purge at all, which obviously places even more strain on the body.
I can’t concentrate or focus on anything either, and with being badly injured I think I’m about to jump out of my own skin. Anyway, enough about me: I was just trying to emphasise that you’re not alone with this and you have nothing to be ashamed of: I think you’d be well within your rights to let the Uni know about your ED because they’re obliged to give you a personal extenuating circumstances form. It’s not an excuse: it’s a valid mental illness. You wouldn’t be weak or pathetic for admitting it, and it might alleviate some of the pressure and worry in the long term.
Anyway, for what it’s worth you look lovely in your pictures on FB and please know that I’m thinking of you.
xxx