January 18, 2012
I fought it…
I fought the urge, I was going to binge, I had the stuff bought but I’ve fought it. Everythings still sitting in my fridge, untouched. I dont want it, I wont binge.
I know I`ll probably slip up tomorrow and be back to the usual antics but hey, small steps?
January 11, 2012
What a day
I`m right in the middle of my exams at the moment and stressed just isnt strong enough a word!
I really messed up this semester, I’ve been struggling so much I can’t concentrate. I literally could stare at a page for 8 hours and not be able to tell you a thing about it.
Huge anatomy exam tomorrow and I know nothing, I still have the lymphatic system, neck, nervous system, cardiovascular system and respiratory system to learn and ohh nearly forgot all the bones in the skull :S!
I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, it went horribly wrong and I feel like such a bitch. He feels hurt, that I just lead him on for 6 months and didnt care. Thats not true, I did care and I still do but it just wasnt right. He said I didnt give a proper reason for breaking up but I thought I had.
For me I didnt feel a spark, I love spending time with him and doing stuff together and we get along great , that to me is all brilliant friendship things but when it came to moving to a relationship status I just didnt feel a spark there. Surely thats important? Surely I should feel like I could really see that relationship going places, that I desired that other person like no other? Apparently I just have my head stuck in the clouds and I expect too much from relationships which I disagree with. I am not an airy fairy person who has watched too many love movies but I just have that feeling that it wasnt totally right.
Its not right when you avoid your boyfriend lots and make up excuses why he cant stay over because you really dont want to be put in the position of sleeping with him. Surely in a relationship that desire should be there?
I feel terrible, he is devasted and I`m sure his family and friends all think I am a complete bitch now. I think it was for the best though, I just wish someone who wasnt biased could give me their opinion. I`m confused, whats it all supposed to feel like?
My grades slipped big time while in that relationship a well, I`m struggling so much with things, it takes me ages to do work and I just didnt get the time I needed.
Part of me was staying with him because we had slept together and I felt things had got so involved that I had a duty almost to stay with him. This might sound stupid but I deeply regret us going that far, I didnt realise that sex before marriage was breaking one of the ten commandments. I knew it was a no no but didnt realise that it was THAT big a no no. I`m doomed for hell now, the only was of semi fixing it would have been if we had ever married and that was partly why I kept things going.
So now after many sleepless nights, looking like shit, drowning endless cups of black coffee in attempt to stay alert… I am now slowly dying in a text book of lymphocytes, oh joy!
January 3, 2012
Silence
Sometimes I just crave silence, to not actually think anything, to just have a little moment in peace. My head just seems to constantly spin, thoughts flowing in an out all the time and eventually its almost like I`m just having a conversation with myself.
Looking at it from a different view, silence can hurt…
‘You look well, you must be really happy,things must be going great for you now, are you over it then? are you better now then?’
If I hear phrases like that anymore times I will scream. Just because I have now put on weight does not mean that everything is ok and that life is just dandy. I`m suffering just as much now as I did when I was deathly thin. If anything I almost think this is worse than what I went through before, at least before I had some self respect.
No-one realises though, they all presume Im perfectly fine. What do they expect? Do they expect me to stick my fingers down my throat on front of them? Or even better show off my perfected talent of vomit on demand, hands free. Do they expect me to burst into tears constantly? To show off the artwork over my body?
I’ve learned over the years sometimes its easier to keep your mouth shut and say nothing. Sometimes though it all gets to much and I feel like I’m drowning but no-one sees me. I`m struggling, I`m finding it hard to study for my exams and my grades have slipped big time this year. I just cant focus, I cant learn anymore, I cant hold myself together anymore and pretend that I`m coping because I`m just not. I`m going to fail my exams but no-ones going to realise it wasnt because I didnt try, I just couldnt. I;ve sat for hours on end trying to learn and study and not one thing has gone into my head.
Such a waste of potential just like before, well not as bad as before, I will never get over that, ever.
I`m paying the price for what I’ve done now as well…. my teeth have caught up with me- constantly breaking and my gums have receded, my bones are breaking- my foot just randomly broke one day, my period has gone missing for 7 years now, my digestive system is fucked- im actually a bit concerned about it, i can move stuff in my abdomen that I dont think I should be able to! My skin is terrible and oh yeah that thing called sleep? what is that? I dont seem to need it anymore , just live in a constant state of insomnia, just me and my thoughts all day, all night. I just wish people heading down the path I did all those years ago would realise what they are letting themselves in for. I probably wouldn’t have listened back then, saying it will never happen to me, but it did.
October 11, 2011
It’s been a while…
Wow it has really been a long time since I last wrote a post. So much has changed, I’m still struggling like mad but I’ve also made some huge improvements.
I still struggle with the binging, it is out of control and it does worry me but I`m hanging on in hope it will sort itself out eventually. Part of my problem is, the anorexia side is still lingering in the background, trying to pull me back at every chance. When I decide to try to eat normally and not binge, it creeps in and tries to get me to cut back to make up for things. So I do and then I get so hungry I spiral off into an out of control frenzy of binging.
Anyhow, since I last posted I now have a boyfriend. Thats something I never thought would happen and he is a lovely person. Its still very early days, who knows if it will work but it has helped me. He knows of my history but doesnt realise how much it still affects me every day. He asks me out for lunch and dinner or brings snacks round etc and this would have been a huge no no for the old me but I was determined not to let me ED get in the way of this relationship so I just ate them, I just went out for lunch to unknown places. I now cook dinner for us without weighing or measuring stuff. So I have made progress in that sense.
I`m starting to feel the effects of my past though and I hope this could be a warning to those still struggling. I always found the effects of my ED to be delayed, e.g. it took ages before my hair starting to thin and fall out. I always thought I was fortunate that I didnt seem to get the big problems lots of others did but I am now. My teeth are constantly breaking, my skin is the worst its ever been and now my bones are going too. I had a bone scan done when I was 20 and it showed osteopenia. I havent a clue what condition they are in but I`m guessing not great since I have managed to break my foot without actually injuring it. Just goes to show how silent a killer and ED can be, its doing its damage without you always seeing it.
Despite the fact I am still struggling, I am desperately holding on in the hope of a future without it. If I could just get past the binging I think I could kick my ED to the kerb. I’ve made it to my second year of my course now and theres the potential for a future ahead. I just keep imagining it and running to it.
May 14, 2011
My drug
This is what I can almost relate the binging to… a drug. I almost feel like I need to have a fix of it, I get edgy if I dont, I dont feel right. The more I binge the more I need to do it and the more intense they get. Its just like a drug.
I can’t for the life of me work out the reason behind it all though. Maybe some part of me finds the binging comforting in a weird way, the purging I hate but unfortunately it must be done to try and lessen the consequences of the binge but also the purging in a strange way brings a sense of relief.
I just feel so trapped and powerless against it, I really really dont know how to get out of this. I know the answer is just dont do it but I cant seem to stop myself doing it.
Exams are on Monday, Ive binged all morning, I just cant focus, I cant concentrate. I have 206 bones to learn by Monday, every single name, lump and bump on them, crack, shape, every muscle and ligament possible attached to them and what causes what movements etc. My head is about to explode.
The sad thing is, when I had this all under more control I actually did reasonably well and now because of how things are I`ll be lucky if I scrape by.
I just have to get to next weekend, hang on but part of me is dreading next weekend. I`ll have no exams, no work to do, nothing but idle time, a recipe for disaster just before I`m due to go out on placement , as usual.
May 11, 2011
Nothings going in
Im seriously stuck at the minute, I have my exams next week, starting on Monday. Not a single thing is going into my head.
I have been sitting staring at a page now for hours and I couldn’t tell you a thing about it. All I can think about is food, worrying about binging, worrying about what to eat and ending up binging anyway. Its awful, I cant revise at all.
Im absolutely drained as well, Im just so tired. I’ve come to the conclusion in terms of my binging/purging, I`ll have to wait until after my exams to start getting under proper control again because in all reality nows not the ideal time. However, the fact that I can’t seem to learn a single thing in the meantime is quite frightening.
I cant end up failing my exams next week and then saying oh well its because I have an eating disorder. No-one knows and to be honest they wouldn’t understand anyhow and also I don’t like to use it as an excuse or something to hide behind.
I wish I could just clear my head, get all the thoughts out and gone. I have so many bones and muscles to learn ontop of all the physics that I dont understand. Have you ever tried to properly learn the bones and anatomy? Seriously I’d love to get my hands on the person who thought up of all the names!
Anyhow back to it, lets hope something useful enters my head tonight!
May 9, 2011
Split
So Saturday was the first meeting of the mindfulness group I mentioned before. I don’t want to say too much about it, I guess partly out of privacy for everyone involved. Unfortunately I binged all morning before going, so I felt like crap by the time I had got there and to top things off, there wasn’t much of a mix in the group. They were all very much so anorexics and then me. I could have just crawled under my seat, I felt awful, I was the hugest one in the whole group and it just brought back so many emotions and really triggered me to be honest.
I found myself holding back from contributing things because obviously I am at a different stage than them and my thoughts are slightly different. I don’t know whether to continue or not, I’ll have to think it over.
After binging on Sat I also had my ball to go to that night complete with a three course meal. So ontop of feeling crap about the binging, I then had the devestation of that group to contend with and then the ball. After the group I think I spent about a hour crying my eyes out and then I went home and got dressed.
I had quite a good night anyhow, being out amongst normal people helped to pull me back together again. I looked at all the girls and they were just normal, talking about normal things and just enjoying themselves. That is what I think I need to keep surrounding myself by, normal people, that is what I want to be.
I posted my pictures on facebook for any of you who are on mine, I dont like posting them here, Im still paranoid someone in real life will work out who I am!
I am struggling today, I’m finding the urge is so strong. I’m not hungry but I’m not content. Im so tired but I just want to raid the cupboards. I’m not giving in, I have seperated myself by going to my bedroom and attempting to do some revision.
May 6, 2011
Putting it behind…
Yesterday I decided to go through my wardrobe. I`m going back home on Sunday for a few days before my exams and I thought it would be a good opportunity to take back the clothes that no longer fit.
I must say this is among one of the worst things about an eating disorder, having to put the clothes away. Its heart breaking to attempt to put on a pair of jeans and not even get them over your thighs.
I dont really know what to do with them, they are too small now so do I give them away? By keeping them I would be partly thinking I might need them again someday but then again if I did get rid of them and by some miracle ended up needed them again they’d be gone.
Yesterday was another troubling day. It was his birthday yesterday, I think I mentioned him before on my old blog. Even after all this time I still think about him, not in a loving caring manner though. Part of me wonders is he part of the reason I struggle alot still. I think about him every single day, about those the threats he made to me, taking over my identity. My only relief is he is still in jail but he`ll get out someday.
At the end of the day I was young and stupid, I fell into his trap so easily but that doesnt excuse my part, the things I did. I don’t think I have ever forgiven myself for the things I did when I was younger. I was such a stupid stupid girl, I have prayed for forgiveness but I don’t believe I have received it. I had the brief thought yesterday of going to confession and laying it all out, seeing if that would help.
Anyhow sorry for such a ramble, sometimes I just type and type the little thoughts that run in my head. It kinda gets rid of them for a while, takes them somewhere else.
Tomorrow night is the ball. I’ve been waiting for ages to go to it, looking forward to it, promising I wouldnt binge before and I’d look ok. Of course I’ve been out of control this week and now my skin is grey, spotty, black circles under the eyes.
I wish it was over, I wish it was all over.
May 2, 2011
Double writings
Ohh two posts in one day, to be fair neither contain much.
Mum phoned to ask how things were going. I guess its a case of, what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you. I told her everything was fine, she has so much to deal with at the moment I cannot burden her with my own troubles.
Why is it so difficult to be normal? How do people know what to eat when they wake up? How much to eat? What to eat later on? How to stop eating at an appropriate time? I have completely forgotten all these things, such simple things that normal people don’t really think about.
The last time I saw her, my therapist said I seemed be have hit a self destruct button on myself. She is right, there is something inside me that is determined to destory everything.
Please don’t think I am going mad or hearing voices, but I’m sure most of you will understand this. It is like there is a little voice in my head constantly berating me, constantly going on and on and on.
It tells me my legs are ugly, they touch, they have cellulite and they wobble when I walk.
It tells me I’m going to fail this course just like I did medicine.
It tells me I’ll never get a boyfriend, who would ever be interested in me.
It tells me that it is going to kill me.
Its just myself, its like a horrible little dark side of me that nags away in my head all day every day.
What will ever become of me, I just want to be normal. I feel like my very soul has been ripped from me and that no-one is there anymore. Somedays it just feels empty inside, no joy, nothing. It brings me to a crying heap on the floor. I just cant seem to control anything anymore.
Tomorrow, I’ll try, try again.
From side to side…
Im just being pulled from side to side. One side saying binge and one side saying go on restrict, its a never ending battle, although the restrictive side never wins, I am totally incapable of that anymore.
I got back over to uni last night and of course spent the whole of day binging and purging. Im surprised Im still in one piece, it was bad.
Tomorrow though, even if it kills me I am not going to binge. I have ball to go to on Sat night and I dont want to end up being a mess for it. I have a feeling there are going to be many sleepless nights due to horrendous caffine consumption but I am not giving in.
